“That’s Not Fair!” — Teaching Kids the Difference Between Equal and Fair
- 5 days ago
- 5 min read
Updated: 2 days ago
If you have more than one child (or have ever watched kids interact on a playground) you have heard it. That word, stretched out with total conviction:
“THAT’S NOT FAAAIR.”
The older one stays up later. One child gets extra help with homework. Someone gets a bigger snack. In your child's mind, anything that looks uneven is automatically unjust. And honestly? It makes sense that they think that way...they just haven't learned one of the most important distinctions of childhood yet.
Equal and fair are not the same thing. And once your child understands the difference, it changes how they see the world.
Equal Means the Same. Fair Means What's Needed.
Here's the simplest way to put it:
Equal Everyone gets the same thing. Every child gets 3 cookies. | Fair Everyone gets what they need. The hungrier child gets more. |
Think about shoes. If you give every person in the family the same size shoe, that's equal...but it's not fair. Some feet won't fit. Fair is giving each person the shoe that actually works for them, even if the sizes are different.
Or think about glasses. Only one of your kids needs them. Handing glasses to both children would be equal, but it would only help one of them — and might actually make the other's vision worse. Fair means giving glasses to the child who needs them.
Why This Concept Is Harder Than It Sounds
Young children are naturally egocentric — not in a selfish way, but in a developmental one (see Piaget!). Before about age seven, it's very hard for kids to take someone else's perspective and factor in needs that are different from their own. So when your child sees their sibling get something they didn't get, their brain immediately flags it as wrong.
That reaction isn't a character flaw. It's actually a sign that your child has a strong sense of justice...they just need help expanding it. Learning that fairness requires paying attention to what people need, not just what they receive, is a major leap in social and emotional development.
And here's the good news: kids who understand equal vs. fair grow into adults who are more empathetic, more collaborative, and better equipped to navigate a world that genuinely isn't always even.
Real-Life Moments You Can Use
You don't need a structured lesson to teach this. It comes up constantly:
• Bedtime. Your four-year-old goes to bed earlier than your eight-year-old. Equal? No. Fair? Absolutely — different bodies need different amounts of sleep.
• Homework help. One child gets extra time with a parent because they're struggling. Equal? No. Fair? Yes — they needed more support right now.
• School accommodations. A classmate gets extra time on tests. Equal? No. Fair? Yes — their brain processes information differently, and extra time helps level the field.
• Snack sizes. A toddler and a teenager don't need the same dinner portion. Equal would actually leave one hungry and one overwhelmed.
When these moments come up, instead of just resolving the argument, try narrating it: "You're right — it's not equal. But is it fair? What does your brother need right now?" That one question can shift the whole conversation.
Trying It at Home
Concrete, hands-on experiences are often the best teachers for young children.
The Equal vs. Fair activity sheet — designed for ages 4 through 12 — gives you a ready-made set of activities to explore this concept together, at whatever level fits your child right now.
Activities range from The Cookie Experiment (ages 4 and up) — where you literally hand out cookies and talk about what's equal versus what's needed — to The Fence Picture, where older kids draw the classic visualization of equal vs. equitable, to discussion prompts for tweens that explore real-world complexity: accommodations at school, rules that feel unequal, and times when unequal treatment is actually the fair call.
You don't have to do all nine activities in one sitting. Pick one that fits the moment. Some of the best conversations we've seen happen over a bag of chips on the couch.
How Minds in Progress Can Help
When Fairness Is Genuinely Hard to Grasp
For many children, the struggle with equal vs. fair isn't just developmental — it's neurological. Children with ADHD and autism spectrum disorder often find concepts like fairness, equity, and perspective-taking especially challenging, and for reasons that go deeper than age or maturity.
Children with ADHD may have difficulty with impulse control and emotional regulation, which can make the frustration of "unfair" situations feel immediate and overwhelming — even when they intellectually understand the reasoning. They may struggle to pause and consider another person's needs before reacting.
For autistic children, perspective-taking — the ability to understand that someone else's experience, needs, or feelings are different from their own — is often an area of genuine difficulty, not a choice or a behavioral problem. When a child on the spectrum insists that "everyone should get the same thing," they're frequently expressing a real cognitive difference in how they process social information, not stubbornness.
This doesn't mean these children can't learn these concepts. It means they often need more explicit teaching, more repetition, more concrete examples — and sometimes, professional support — to get there. At Minds in Progress in St. Charles, MO, we work with families across the greater St. Louis area who are navigating exactly these challenges.
Understanding concepts like fairness, equity, and perspective-taking isn't just a social skill — it's often connected to how a child processes information, reads social cues, and manages emotions. At Minds in Progress, we offer comprehensive educational evaluations that help identify how your child learns and where they may need support.
If you've noticed your child struggling to understand others' perspectives, respond to social situations, or regulate their emotions around fairness and frustration, an evaluation can offer valuable insight. Our team can also review existing IEPs and school plans to ensure the supports in place are actually meeting your child's needs.
We can help with:
Comprehensive educational evaluations to understand how your child learns, processes social information, and regulates emotions
Therapy and clinical support to help children with ADHD and autism build perspective-taking skills, emotional regulation, and social understanding in a way that fits how their brain works
IEP and school plan review to connect evaluation findings to language your child's team can actually use
School consultation and educator support to help teachers understand what a child's behavior around "fairness" might really be telling them
Family support and guidance for navigating evaluations, special education systems, and the day-to-day of parenting a child who sees the world differently
Reach out to learn more about evaluations, school consultations, and family support services.